No Job or Non-Job?

You know how you sometimes get these strange ideas? Well, I'm perfectly happy not having a job - saves a lot of time and hassle - but it occurred to me yesterday to think about applying for one. I'd just been reading one of Richard Littlejohn's rants about all the lucrative public sector jobs offered in the Guardian, and it occurred to me to look to see if there might be a nice fat wodge of council-tax-payer's money with my name on it somewhere.

I struck lucky at once. I found a local government job which might be perfect for me, in a field I sort of know a bit about (not sure how important that is). Rather a tasty salary, too. They'd also submitted a list of the qualities they were looking for in a successful applicant. It was written, of course, in management-speak, which consists of an endless daisy-chain of abstract nouns:

"Proven success in leadership and team management and participation in the formulation of corporate objectives, policies and strategies within a large multi-disciplined organisation.

Success in giving policy and professional advice to and building effective and productive working relationships with senior managers.

Demonstrable success in the management of change, planning and organisation across a diverse range of services.

Success in building effective working relationships with a variety of communities, partner organisations, private sector providers, public agencies and statutory authorities.

Substantial experience of establishing effective performance measures and evaluating service quality through the involvement of users.

Able to provide visible and supportive leadership, empowering, enabling, motivating and developing the Council’s employees and fostering a positive organisational culture."

As far as I can see, no kind of objective meaning can be attached to any of this. Depending on interpretation, it could cover Wayne Rooney or Osama bin Laden. Seems to me what they are looking for is a consummate bullshit artist.

I must apply. I should be a shoo-in.

Coincidentally, the Iron Buddha is watching a programme on Chinese TV on recruitment to local government jobs over there. In one case it was mentioned that female applicants for some low-level clerical job "will be expected to have perfectly symmetrical breasts". Well, makes as much sense as "empowering, enabling, motivating and fostering a positive organisational culture." But I prefer the British version; after all, a year ago or so I had a minor hormone imbalance problem (no doubt down to a booze-battered liver) which left one of my moobs a bit bigger than the other. I can, however, string abstract nouns together as well as anybody.