English football goes Italian

No, I have nothing whatsoever to say about Fabio Capello, beyond wishing him all the best with the bunch of dumb-arsed infantilised wankers at his disposal. It’s more sinister than that. A year or so ago, when it was discovered that Italian football was riddled with corruption, we no doubt first composed the odd bon mot about the Pope’s faith and the sanitary habits of bears, and then reflected that that sort of thing wouldn’t happen here. I’m not so sure.

Obviously “we wuz robbed” is the classic response of anyone who loses a football match, but I surely can’t be the first person to have noted the run of refereeing decisions which have pulled Chelsea out of the mire at various junctures this season. As a Liverpool fan I naturally called the referee all manner of opprobrious names when Chelsea equalised at Anfield from a completely fictitious penalty at the very beginning of the season (he actually apologised afterwards); but my saner self reflected that these things happen, and that referees aren’t bent and it usually evens itself out in time. But now? In the week after Christmas we saw a very dodgy penalty and sending off after a Covent-Garden-worthy dive by Micky Bollocks when Chelsea were 2-0 down, and then a last-minute Chelsea winner against Newcastle scored by Salomon Kalou when he was about half a mile offside. A pattern is emerging. Generally we have sensibly rejected any such suggestions, knowing that fair football is likely to bring in much more money in the long term than fixed stuff, and that Englishmen realise this, but these chaps aren’t English, are they? Not being racist here, just culturalist. Russians possess neither the most rudimentary sense of morality nor any tendency to take the long view – money is best grabbed quickly because the future is uncertain. I say Roman Abramovich and his cronies are bribing Premiership referees. At the very least let’s tax the non-doms out of London.